January 28, 2008

Metro temperatures, IQ to plummet

Milwaukee can bid farewell to both today's balmy temperatures and its mean IQ score by Wednesday, as a bitter cold front brings sub zero weather back to the Cream City, a drop of potentially more than 50 degrees Fahrenheit.

While seasoned Metro residents can be counted on to brave the latest winter weather snap, a recently spotted marquee at The Rave advertising the Jan. 30 appearance of popular Detroit "singer" Kid Rock serves notice that the "entertainer" will concurrently wreak havoc on the Milwaukee area's overall IQ, which normally enjoys an above-average score in the 115-120 Stanford-Binet range.

Mr. Rock is expected to draw vanloads of adequately functioning brain stems from neighboring Waukesha and Racine counties, who for several hours on Wednesday will reduce Metro Milwaukee's mean IQ to dangerous, "low moron" levels.

Milwaukee previously endured a similar crisis in overall intelligence during the visit last year of Mr. Rock's fellow Michigander Ted "Motor City Madman" Nugent, also to The Rave.

"The city can generally handle these precipitous drops in IQ," said Marquette University Professor of Developmental Psychology Waldo Jeffers, "but both Nugent and Rock are also reportedly conservative Republicans, so the hazards are especially acute."

"The upside for Michigan," Jeffers added, "is that with Kid Rock out on tour and Ted Nugent living in Waco, Texas, it's looking statistically like frickin' MENSA Central over there."

Mr. Rock and entourage are scheduled to make their way along Wisconsin Ave. early Wednesday afternoon, and additional armed guards and paparazzi will be placed inside the George Webb restaurant at 16th and Wells just in case the crew decides to venture out for a few plates of waffles and a drunken punch-up.

However, by late Thursday Metro Milwaukee's IQ should be stabilized, and Prof. Jeffers said no further imminent threats are known, at least until former KISS guitarist Ace Frehley comes to town in March.

Source: The Rave.


capper said...

It will be interesting to see how stale beer, grease, and snow react when combined.

kay said...

I'm still in awe that Nugent has followers who can actually navigate from one place to another without some sort of supervision.

Emily said...

This little anti-Michigan rant made me think of this (hilarious) anti-Florida rant. I think its arguments can be applied to Kid Rock/Nugent fans as well.

Anonymous said...

If I had an opportunity to go to a Ted Nugent concert somewhere in the south I would take it (although I would probably leave after about a half hour). It would be a cultural experience like no other. Like visiting a tribe in some distant land.

It is amazing that we can have such vast cultural differences within our own country.