A concerned Green Bay environmentalist, apparently disturbed that a Wiccan group had removed some topiary from God's green Earth and fashioned it into a seasonal wreath, early this morning stealthily scaled a ladder and liberated the clippings, returning them safely to their natural habitat behind a hedge.
The activist, described as of medium height, slightly heavy build, and wearing a parka bearing the Packers insignia and a camouflage hunting cap with ear flaps, was reported to Green Bay police, who immediately focused their manhunt on a list of 47,359 suspects.
Meanwhile a whimsical local Catholic attempted to have a Festivus pole — "I find tinsel distracting" — installed at City Hall, but was chastised by Mayor Jim Schmitt for making something “rather serious” into a “laughing matter.”
And we certainly can't have that at this joyous time of year.
In other Solstice celebration news, presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee has released a new television spot presenting him seated beside a reconstruction of Thor's Oak, while rambling incoherently about a virgin birth, an aspect of a number of pagan religions.
GOP rival Rudy 9iu11iani is said to be upping the Solstice ante by producing a “reply ad” featuring the former mayor slaughtering a Yule Goat with his bare hands at the entrance to the Guantanamo Bay detention camp.
And Mitt Romney's seasonal message is to depict Jesus training a stun gun on Satan while the latter protests, "Don't tase me, Bro."
December 21 is roughly the day when some inhabitants of the Northern Hemisphere have traditionally commemorated the Sun's position relative to its angular distance from the Earth's equator. For many others, however, it has special significance as the shortest day of the year, and about the halfway point of the NHL hockey season.