Faith lost, hemorrhoids gained

A flight attendant testified she lost her faith and contracted hemorrhoids after the helpmeet of self-help guru and teevee megapreacher Joel Osteen assaulted her on an airplane.

The Osteens were on their way to a famous playground of the obscenely wealthy in Colorado when the megapreacher's wife detected a wet spot on her first class seat (so to speak).

That it wasn't removed immediately led to an altercation with the flight attendant, who was allegedly shoved against the restroom and elbowed in the left breast.

The attendant, Sharon Brown, is requesting damages that may reduce the Osteens to riding a camel through the eye of a needle in order to reach another favored, longer-term vacation area.

Meanwhile a vast, glistening reservoir of liquid hydrocarbons was discovered in the Reverend Joel Osteen's hairdo, prompting renewed cries of "Drill here, drill now!"