June 6, 2008

Behold, I come as a thief. — Rev. 16:15

Want to notify your insufficiently godly friends in the event of Rapture? For 40 bucks a year, You've Been Left Behind Services will archive your personal messages of joy and regret and when Jesus suddenly snaps you up, automatically send them via e-nail to the remaining heathens, just before they're consumed by the river of blood and/or the lake of fire. Praise!
This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.
While the five team members are currently certified Raptureable, the website's marketers have considerately factored in a 40% Raptureability reversal quotient, just in case two team members are disqualified for the sin of, oh I don't know, duping impressionable suckers into paying 40 bucks a year for 250MB of disk space.

h/t Brazen Maverick.
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3 comments:

  1. Jay Bullock12:37 PM, June 06, 2008

    send them via e-nail
    Is that how the Roman OS uploaded savior.com (or saviour.co.uk) to the iCross?

    ReplyDelete
  2. illusory tenant12:43 PM, June 06, 2008

    Ha. I stole that from some blasphemous website called LordCo that doesn't appear to exist anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sam Sarver1:01 PM, June 06, 2008

    ...just in case two team members are disqualified for the sin of, oh I don't know, duping impressionable suckers into paying 40 bucks a year for 250MB of disk space.

    Bingo. The arrogance of these people to just assume that of course they're going to be raptured is just perverse.

    What I want to know is this: What if three of them have computer issues and are no longer able to log in? How many people are going to get scaremongering e-mails then? And will my spam filter please search for the words "rapture," "prophecy," "apocalypse," and anything related, and delete any incoming messages with those words?

    ReplyDelete